And when I am gone

I know when I am gone,
you shall come to me,
a little in your thoughts
but a lot for memories....

We lived, a little less together
But we lived more than expected
We have a bonding, unseen, unheard
that we have etched together....

We loved each others failures,
just as much we loved individual success,
we lived it all through the suns & moon
but in stars, We'll still be measured

I go and you shall come along one day,
Till then, I know you can embrace our moments
Given another moon, that you wish for too
I shall try to show heavens, on terrace

That, every sun that shines and moon that glitters,
Will still remind you our moments,
For you have been the sunshine reflecting on me
I shall succumb to you thee...

With Love, I shall see you soon
In glory or disgrace you've been through,
I might not be the finest,
but, I shall wait till for you

until one day, you shall feel
like seeing me again,
Because, I know when I am gone,
you shall come to me,
a little in your thoughts
but a lot for memories....

Ek Waqt Aisa Bhi!

Badi kamzoor si pad gayi hoon,

YE- in ankhon me koi roshni kuin nahi hai?

koi aa raha hai, koi jaa raha hai,

apne aur paraaye me, koi farq kuin nahi hai?

umr yuin hi dal kaise gayi?

abhi bhi baagoan me kehlne ko

dil karta hai,

aaj kal bagh (garden) aur baagh (animal) me,

koi farq kuin nahi,

in kanon ko bhi koi awaaz

sunayi nahi deta.

Arre koi hai bhi?, ya main yuin hi,

fizool ki batein kar rahi hoon?

kuch goonjti huin, kuch machalti harkatein,

koi mere zamane ki batein kuin nahi karta?

Kya ye umr meri kabiliyat ka

ek tarazoo hai?

Ya mera tajuba mujhe taqlloof de raha hai,

ki mere hone aur na hone pe

kisi koi farq nahi padta?

Abhi bachpan ko jiya hi nahi

ki sab mere qabr ke intzaam me lage hai,

arre o'yaaron, koi chaar kandhe

ka bhi tayyari karlo,

hum aaj kal qabr taq bhi

akele jaa na paayenge

Pata nahi, koi sun raha hai bhi ki nahi? 

ek waqt aisa bhi beet raha hai. 

When it all ends!

When it all ends,
Life will be beautiful-
again, but when it all ends!

I will have another heart,
to sing the same love song,
in sync and in harmony
of my heartbeats-
But when it all ends!

I will hold another hand,
Swing and dance to the Jazz,
maybe marching towards a new Sun,
settling slowly to romantic moonlight-
But, when it all ends!

The harsh noise in our heads,
the false Love and contentment,
this fake Life and adjustments,
Complacency that is creepy,
When it all ends-
My world will be beautiful again! 

Lowly, lonely, leaning life

Lowly, lonely, leaning life,
less to live more to thrive
how much more worse can it get?
its, lowly, lonely, leaning life!

songs, snugs and smiles,
and the journey for miles,
world has loved it all,
and left me lonely appall!

stopped and signed in grief,
people did not believe.
They loved those smiles and giggles,
left me lonely to debrief.

I tried a lot and
my heart screamed for help,
perhaps! the dark sky,
with sinking heart these aches were left.

Is there a reason, why I need to?
when I needed I never had you.
should there ever be someone,
so snobbish and gruesome around?
lonely I came and lonely I am gone!

Lowly, lonely, leaning in pain,
sinking myself in my world again.
how much more worse can it get?
if lowly, lonely, life is all I gain!

Eternal Argument

There is one part of me,
always in argument
with the other part of me!

There is only one thing,
that is not defined
yet it is essential in life!

There is a constant demand
that becomes a craving
yet it is questioned!

Did it ever happen to you?
Where the mind is juggled!
Giving love V/S getting loved?
Loving the one not worth being beloved?
Is your heart too, so demanding
that it doesn't care the risk
yet be involved with someone?

Conflicts that has no resolution
situations that has no explanation
possessions that cant be justified
yet, heart demands for Love that is undefined!

Does it mean my heart is not mine?
Or does it mean, my mind doesn't care?
Is it just the mind and the heart?
Is my body just a thing that gets replaced?

There is this one part of me,
in perpetual argument
with that other part of me!

There is that only one thing,
which is not defined
yet it is the essential of life!

There is a constant demand
that becomes a craving for lifetime
yet it will be questioned,
again and again until you stop to whine!

Shooing those thoughts,
aren't as easy as I write.
Things will continue as it is,
a pause here and there wont mind!

I am giving it all up,
I am enduring the game,
Life as it has come,
will end with "love's"name!!

My First impression about Thailand!-2

Morning 5:30 am Bangkok time, half dead, exhausted and sleepless body walks around the huge Suvarnabhumi Airport to find a local sim card or a paid internet access- just then I see my friend waiting for me to arrive, perhaps from an hour or so more. He had made all the arrangements as discussed prior to my initiating the trip itself. I got my sim card fixed, got the data working, got my luggage picked and thus a I breath a sign of relief. Straight from 13 to 30 temperature I was overdressed for the place. As we step out of the airport, along with the lady who was appointed to receive, I could feel a drop of sweat by my temples. The was my first smile is Thailand (I hadn’t sweat in couple of months or eased my dress while in #Delhichills- the winter) and so much to my bird brains I almost forgot what is it like to drink chilled water trickling its way into your oesophagus, lovely sunrise and bustling airport I get into the van- air cooled, fresh wet-towel and quick introduction by the lady about the location, the city and the hotel #Eastin Golf at #Thana city. It was a good 30 mins drive on the broad tarred roads of the city, running mostly over the flyovers and between tall skyscrapers, well-disciplined road manners at traffic congestion, sights of digital advertising hordes- unlike flex banners all over in India and drizzles of rains every now and then. The rains and the traffic reminded me of Mumbai- city that never sleeps in India and displays a very similar welcome to Bangkok city. As we get past through couple of toll booths on the highway (although most of the roads looked like highway in India), diversions to various locations ( most of them sound very Indian but spelt differently), also a diversion to second international airport and so on, the road slowly turns into an austere city side, hosting some of the best villas and bungalows, perhaps the posh Thai once lived there. My brains trying hard to find someone on the way or on any of the balconies, perhaps it was too early, but then seamlessly, we enter the hotel gateway, roundabout to the reception via the water fountain to find another receiving team expecting our arrival. It felt like as it the hotel was part of the Villa avenue that was so admirable.

Here we start with welcome drink, little formalities for we foreigners and the woo-doo of the staff who leave you speechless with their undaunting customer service. We are walked through the stairs down towards the swimming pool and a passage of tiny boutique stores, across the stores and massage center we see the alfresco restaurant, I could imagine myself relaxing there over my next morning breakfast with coffee. It’s about half a mile walk to Building #3 of the vast golf resort hotel, maybe couple degree lesser in temperature to that of what one feels in the city. The entire hotel has a smoking corner outside the building which strange. Why would one have a smoking corner, just before to step into the building? They must be having smoking rooms and people must be largely partying indoors. Quizzically I asked the porter and he politely replied that the entire hotel is “non-smoking”. As we enter our little resort apartment there was mild fragrance of lemon grass, a bottle of Australian Red Wine, a bowl of exotic fruits and room temperature maintained to complete our Red-Carpet welcome. As I launch myself of the cosy sofa and move the curtains, I was amazed to see the expanse of lush green golf field, a small water body (golfers water area) and in the corner stands a huge tree under which was a hallmark temple neatly planted, perhaps to emphasis on Thai Culture. My heart goes hummmmm like a baby who found a lost toy (Reminds me of my first visit to Galle face hotel (aka Taj Samudra maybe) Sri-Lanka a few years ago).

I scanned my room completely, desperately wanting my morning Chai… With some catching up of news and office on-goings, found nothing. In a minute a team of two arrived to assist me with the facilities and handed me a teacup, hot water, a tiny bottle with some powder and a wooden sieve (so pretty that I did not mind stealing it). Initially I kept my dumb mind aside and as she finished introducing the facilities, I asked her to assist me with tea. Very diligently, the petite lady did the deal and said, “Enjoy your herbal tea Ms. Makandar”! Haan… That is it! A nice cup of herbal tea, aromatic and fresh feel.

This day was defined as my “Party Day” in the itinerary. I quickly unpacked my bag to check if there was anything suitable for the evening at all (with a busy schedule I did not even pack my bags orderly. All help from people around me, I was certain to be perplexed by the time it is to party). Nonetheless, found more than one option in my suitcase and to my goodness also a decent pair of sandals, what a sign of relief as much as anxious I was to visit this party in a new land. There was sufficient time in my hand and the always-busy-person that I am in India, here I was wondering what to do? Maybe Swim, try some cuisine to avoid food in the party, to visit some trying to gather souvenirs or…. Yes! The THAI Massage. I slowly stepped out of my room, passed no information or update to any friends present in other rooms and booked myself for a nice Thai Massage. Afterall this is the most talked about from the Thai returns in India, so why not? As I lay there in the living room facing towards the golf course view, reading my book on Ms. Indira Gandhi by Pupul Jayakar (I know it sounds boring but the love for biographies of personalities is irresistible, especially at airport bookstores) in no time I get a call to confirm that I am at my free will to walk into the Massage parlour. A luxury I always like to treat myself with. Here I was- the Indian queen in Thailand getting pampered by her Thai masseurs. Very relaxed, smooth, soothing lavender oil, an experience I can’t forget, though I recall my Ananda days for the bestest of the massages in my past. Just as I was to end, I see numerous calls from friends trying to figure out the time and place to meet to enter the party. One after one I reach out to each one of them and fix up a time that suits me to get on floor. By 7pm Bangkok time, I had my peach frock on, with hair that fell free until the curls at the end, subtle lip-colour, silvery heals (no stilettos for me), touch of Charlie perfume and just my phone- as I walk to aisle of the passage way towards the main hall, we all exchange pleasantries and discuss our challenges and time spent to get there from different parts of the world, to world of #EastinThana. None of us preferred to use the golf-cart as we did not wish to miss the pleasant walk in the evening. Lovely!

Where is our host? The birthday boy? It took us a few minutes to figure out the exact venue as we got distracted by a local wedding party which was also on the same day but across another hall. We figure out a door with shiny strings glittering afar. We walk by and slide the strings across that formed a curtain to be welcomed by hugs, kisses, roses and welcome shot. The evening just went by swaying here and there, dancing the salsa and doing the disco. Early dinner, late evenings and a set of hand-picked friends from all over the world makes it all the more precious moment in one’s life. A few Indians, Russians, friends from the USA, the Europe, Bali and where not… all were part of one universe this moment- Party in Bangkok with Johnathan our man.

Little about John- wonderful, generous, happy going, bigggg hearted man that he is- one cannot afford to forget. May he be blessed many more years to come and may we party many more times on his birthdays.

https://www.eastinhotelsresidences.com/eastinthanacitygolfbangkok/

Thailand! My First Hand Experience- 1

If you thought it is all fun and frolic to be in Thailand, you are mistaken atleast to begin with; the later bit of Thailand is definitely what you expect and perhaps more; unless otherwise you have the wherewithal to be a priority flyer with pre-stamped VISA in your passport! 
My most painful was that despite all the preparations, such as E-VISA by VFS, tickets from India to Bangakok and back and pre-destined locations to visit with hotel reservations etc.,. I had to go through the mess of dealing with unknown horde of masses standing in line for their VISA-On-Arrival stamps. The reason for this turbulent experience is- "Don’t understand English!" Agape I stand with an Oh my god! expression- A country known for its tourism, thriving on its world-wide tourist visitors and a country that has everything naturally available in abundance, lacks in ENGLISH?… Obviously I wasn’t expecting them to know Hindi or any other commonly used international or Indian linguistic expertise. Nonetheless, I went through a complete 20 minutes drama for a first timer and most painful indeed. 20 minutes of non-stop request trying to explain them to look into my documents or give me internet or let me talk to superiors or better help me with a alternate channel blah blah..,. was futile eventually resorting to helplessly look around for someone from India or an English speaking folk or a frequent traveler perhaps who can guide me through. Had I only known that I would be ridiculed to seek such fundamental help as this! A group of  young friends, perhaps Punjabi folks could only manage to laugh at me with statements like “What!” or pout their lips and giggle or just walk away too. In all this I was nearly breaking down in tearful despair whilst scanning the place around me- until I found a delicate young mother with her two kids, sitting around the corner of one of the lots of chair benches, certainly waiting for the father of the child. Hesitantly and with tears filled to the brim of my eyes, I walked up to her, but couldn’t, gather enough courage to communicate- What if she was local too? and to add much to this lop-sided flop story she was indeed a traveler but from China who we all know could beat the world if only they spoke in English that their now famous "Mandarin". Within no moment her husband arrived and to my relief gave me a smile, I was touched and instantly thought I might get him to help me. With some ease of mind- just for the fact that someone acknowledges me as a human in distress was indeed a blessing, but for my bad luck he just happened to smile at me and sadly there was no help. My heart sunk in dark solitude amidst the bustling morning crowd, with some still rubbing off their eyes and trying to sense their arrival in the most famous holiday destination. As I sit there, I watch more and more visitors joining the line, certainly they are all "Just Arrived". From now where in my head there was a sudden swift through my life sitting there in the waiting area and I was amazed that I could breakdown so easily even at this point in life. A complete mental and emotional spin of how I had reached this far in life was truly awakening, the horizon - my lifetime goal- To Travel around the world. Oh wow! How could I breakdown? No way I'm giving up to these less realized people around me to bully me with their half-backed English and arrogant tantrums.  

Sitting there, I took my moment to view the surroundings yet again, but with an open eye and confidence. I observed what people where doing; I walked up to all the officers check point one after the other and understood what are the duties they performed; still further I tried to figure out who were the other few desperate souls like me who dared to travel to other nations alone? Who is that other Shakila around me? 
Just then my eyes picked a handful, not really alone but guys who made friends while “in-line” or “during wait”. We exchanged glances of glee and smiles. I then managed to get to the usual process and walk past a shorter line called “Pay for online VISA”. Once I got there, I told her to try and find my details online through my passport, she couldn’t help me yet again and I was sent to another officer for E-VISA (I thought maybe something different to online VISA). The technology buff that I am I know the basic difference between E-Governance and M-Governance, but in an unknown land, you dare not expose your knowledge unless you know who you are dealing with. Thankfully, that counter had too many windows I was sent to one for discussion immediately guided by an officer . However, the man I was talking across too had no clue about what I said or rather asked, but this time around I got lucky, with a young working Indian along with his friend on an other line (paid) was going through this long process made space for me with dignity and chivalry, waited for me to finish my discussion until the officer thoroughly scanned all my documents- thanks to a few good ones still holding on to their chivalry and manners.
Thus I felt like I've made some progress- an eagerly waiting anxious girl hoping for some good news in form of quick resolution to the now 30 minutes drama. But there was yet another irritating part coming ahead- He scans through the documents (everything from bills, to tickets to printed VISA copies to hotel bookings etc, etc.,.) knows fully well that I carried an E-VISA valid from VFS (Only valid source) and was one the traveler who is all meticulously planned and prepared for the trip, however he clearly denied to pass it to the right team and said “This counter VISA on ARRIVAL only”. You know, sometimes you don’t want to be abusive but your mind says “WTF” and your body is like “Who the hell are you?”….. But mind you, I was alone and not the least of help except for myself in the most holy land for Buddhism and Hindu primitives ofcourse. I pushed it hard on myself to keep mum in the given scenario and subtly yet with grit asked him "how long?" He said “wait!” sternly, as if I was eating up on his time or his morning coffee- whatever! I starred right through his eyes and said- “Where?”… He showed me to the waiting area for my passport.
The most stressed moment at this point in time. What if I never got my passport back for starring at him? Good Lord, I would never achieve my goal for lifetime and the least, wont even be sent back to India perhaps. Just about a handful people know where exactly I was at that moment of my life. My desperation to get my passport was more than my desperation to see India again. The fear of losing myself in this Thai speaking nation, the non-vegetarian foodies, close to Indian culture but nothing close to Indian women's helplessness, no common communicating language and to beat it all no one willing to help, what would be my future? Would it all end on the Soi in Thailand?
Yet again, our eyes met- The boy who conversed and waited along with me giving me all that yes and no for my statement while at the counter made place for me to to be seated awaiting his passport to be returned too, I now had a company. However before I could sense the company with me he got his passport and went to join one of many lines for immigration. I got panicked and immediately went to the desk and said, “give my passport I wish to pay again and get in there”. He said “No”!... Yet another scary moment, I surely did not want to argue, no matter how much I wanted to really shout, scream and create a ruckus over there. Shake the entire airport management and call for some Indian embassy's help for the hot headed chick that I can be. But, I kept my cool, managed to compose myself and did not want to behave rude- simply because I dreaded that they will then capture me, check on me, question my countrymen for being obnoxious Indian, especially women and to top it women entrepreneurs… I laugh at it now.
Really, I could actually think on toes and while one non-communicating set of brutes dealt with me the way they did. Whatever happened to my “Get your supervisor” attitude? Hahaha… Eventually, my passport was in my hand and still in my head I was the one holding a valid VISA and waited in the line that said “E-VISA”. Trying my luck if at all- “Maybe my name would appear in her system that says- Miss Shakila Makandar, our mistake ma’am, please come this way” and gave a cup of hot coffee/tea perhaps! My bad, no airport drama of that sorts happened, she was just as rude in her body language as were the lower level officers at the entry. Nonetheless, got my VISA-on-Arrival from E-VISA, counter number 4. Right at that moment, while I made my best effort to get through the immigration, to my relief I see a friend of mine, passing by. Oh my God!
I told myself, this S**T actually happens in real live, not just in Bollywood fictions. That is it. Stupid process in THAILAND, they need to re-model their immigration into integrated systems… But, I’m not the one tying the bell to the cat, indeed not! I was through the immigration and said S̄wạs̄dī to Thailand in Thai to myself!